As a mother of two

As a mother of two...

• our day starts at 7am sharp (or 5am if Mister Man decides he just can't wait until the sun is completely up to go downstairs and play - I pull him into bed with us until the sun is actually up or else I can't function).
• breakfast is usually filled with lots of urgent requests for milk, fruit, napkins, mommymommymommy!!! (Is it 8pm yet?).
• then we're either home for the morning while I try to put a few hours in of work while they watch educational children's shows (Pinky Dinky Doo, anyone?) or I drop them off at the Mom's Morning Out program up the street where they play for 3 hours.
• lunchtime is just as urgent as breakfast. Baby Girl has been demoted to sippy cups for her recent cup dumping incidents.
• three days a week the boy goes to afternoon preschool for 3 hours, so that's another 10-minute drive across town with both kids to drop him off, while on the way home I have all the windows down and the radio blasting to keep the princess from falling asleep before we get home. otherwise, her nap will be much shorter than I need it to be.
• she's in her crib by 1pm every day for her nap, which rarely goes past 2:30. if the little guy is home with me, he'll always go in his room for quiet time but if he's not asleep after 30 minutes, I let him come downstairs and play quietly. so I don't have to listen to him romp around in his room while I'm trying to work blog.
• by 4pm when we're home from preschool pick-up (thank God for car lines, sooo much easier), we're ready for Daddy to be home. Unfortunately for us, we have another two hours to kill. So we have snacks, got to the playground, or head to the library. Or, if on the off-chance I'm attempting to cook that night, the kids watch another show or play on the ipad (Toca Tea Party is AWESOME, btw) while I try to put together a meal that the whole family will actually eat.
• The hubby gets home around 6pm each night, sometimes earlier, but never later. I'm a very lucky girl in that regard, I do know this and am incredibly thankful for his family-friendly work schedule. The kids play with him for an hour, we all eat, and then do bathtime.
• After bath, we each take a kid. For a few months, our daughter only would let me put her to bed, now she's much better about giving Daddy a chance too.
• By the time 8pm rolls around, both kids are in bed and the hubby and I have our time together.
• We need to get back into working out together at night, but travel schedules lately have gotten in the way and we're too exhausted to think of putting on a 90-min P90x DVD. Maybe we'll do it again in January, but for now we're just relaxing and trying to get to bed earlier (I joined the "10pm & earlier bedtime club" this week).

I love our kids and the routine we have. This town we live in is so family-oriented and I am so grateful to live 3 minutes away from my best friend. Sometimes, like today for example, I can take a moment and sit back and take it all in and in my heart I feel one thing: content.

Except for one little notion that lingers in my mind and tugs at my uterus.

I think I want one more baby. I just don't know when.

What I do know is that right now I am content with the two beautiful babies I do have in my arms. I am content with getting a solid 7-8, or sometimes even 9 on the weekend, hours of sleep each and every day. Sometimes I can even nap on the weekends if I want. I am content in being able to work part-time from home and get paid a decent salary, while at the same time, enjoying being able to be with my kids during the day.

I don't think I'm ready for a newborn again.

Not anytime soon.

So we'll see. The gap between the Little Man and Baby Girl is 2 & 1/4 years and at the rate we're going, it would likely be a 3 year gap between the Little Miss and a new baby if we started trying soon. That would be nice, but the more I think about it, the more I think that I'd be okay with a bigger gap.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Thoughts for a friend getting help

I "met" Kim of Make Mommy Go Something Something online in the months following the launch of my blog. She had several years of experience under her belt, so I reached out to her for help and she responded immediately. We began chatting over email and even talked via Facetime a few times. Kim, like me, also has bipolar disorder. But hers is Bipolar II while mine is Bipolar I, meaning her moods tend to swing to the lower end of the spectrum and mine are the opposite - I tend to have higher mood swings to the extent of becoming manic if I do not get enough sleep. We connected right away, both being young moms who enjoyed blogging about the struggles we faced with our condition, our kids, and our home life. Kim is such a cool person. So funny, smart and kind. I started joining in on her Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturdays series, a fun link-up party on her blog that she created. With this part-time job (that I should be putting hours into right now, but I'm blogging instead - much more imortant right now than work, imo), I've lost touch with my friend. And I miss her.

She's going through a lot right now. I know exactly what she's going through and it's gut-wrenching.

Reading that she recently entered the hospital to get help for the deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety she's been battling of late takes me back to my last two hospitalizations. My heart breaks for her, but at the same time, I'm so incredibly proud of her for seeking the help that she knows in her own heart that she needs to get well. To be there for her husband and son. To feel human again.

I was there too. Those times were the lowest lows of my life. I missed out on almost two full week's of my son's life because I was so sick I needed medical intervention to bring me back to reality. And although I may not have wanted to go at the time, being forced into going to the hospital was just what I needed to re-start my life.

I got do-overs. I learned how to take care of myself so that I hopefully won't have to go back to the hospital again. But, in the end, if I do have to go back at some point, I know from experience that it's not the end of the world. It's so that I can get well. And getting well and staying well are the most important things when you're living with a mental illness.

Kim will get there. She's getting her do-over right now. And I know in time she'll be well because she's doing what she needs to do, however hard it might be right now.

She inspires me. Not only her writing, but her personality and her sheer determination. She's a true warrior.

Get well, my friend. Miss you and thinking of you every day. Sending love and hugs via the interwebs.

xoxo

Where I go from here

A couple of things happened this week that have made me think about this blog. First off, my laptop died. I had put it in sleep mode before I left the house to go get my hair done on Tuesday evening, and when I got home a few hours later and went to turn it on, nothing happened. It went to sleep and just never woke up. Talk about a good way to go.

There are some things on the hard drive that I'm going to try to recover, but pretty much everything is gone. Luckily, most of our family photos are backed up on our external hard drive. But I had filled that up about 6 months ago and we have yet to buy a new one, so some pictures and videos are lost. I won't really know what all is gone until I need something and realize it was on the old laptop. Oh well, it's a tough lesson in backing up your files, I guess.

I had just begun looking into buying a new laptop when I started wondering how we'd afford a new one since it's not really in the budget for a one-family income. Then yesterday, my old boss called and asked if I'd be interested in doing some work from home. $$$ Cha-ching!!! $$$

For 6 months. $$$$$$ CHA-CHING!!! $$$$$$

Yes, please.

Now the only thing I needed to figure out was how I'd do the work with the kids around. She wanted me to think about it and get back to her tomorrow with an idea of how many hours a week I could put in, and when I'd most likely be logging those hours. I started to think about how I could find reliable, low-cost childcare so that I could put in 2-3 hours a day of work and still rake in a decent hourly rate.  I immediately thought of my friend's babysitter she uses a few hours each week and called her up to see if I could hire the highschooler too. She doesn't see why it won't work out. Their family is actually going on vacation for a few weeks so they won't be able to keep her busy all summer, so this might just be the perfect situation for everyone. I'll find out on Sunday if she's interested since she's on vacation this week with her family. If she's up for the job, it could work out perfectly since her rate is right in line with what I wanted to pay and I know she's qualified since she's done a great job watching my friend's kids who are the same ages as mine.

If the babysitter works out, this will help me with the issue of when to do the work because ideally I'd like to be able to do an activity with the kids in the morning or early evening, and get my work in around the lunch hour. That way, I'll still be able to enjoy my summer with the kids, while not feeling like I'm missing out on much with them since my daughter will nap part of the time I'm working.

It's all coming together a little too perfectly. I've got my fingers crossed that the babysitter is interested and available, and that my old boss will pay me what I'm going to ask for.

I'd like to try to keep my evenings free because that is when my husband and I have been doing P90x. We've been getting the kids to bed by 8/8:30pm and then putting in an hour {sometimes an hour & 1/2} of exercise for the past 9 days. It's an intense commitment, but we're both on board and are hoping to see some incredible results by the time we're done. Nine days down, only eighty-one to go.

With all that has been going on, I'm wondering how I am going to continue blogging as much as I used to. I also keep a family blog, which I haven't been able to update nearly as much as the grandparents would like lately. I feel like something has to give right now, and with work {hopefully} starting soon, it's going to have to be this blog.

I've decided I'm going to stop doing link-ups for the time being, as much as I love them and it makes me sad to drop them right now, solely because they take me so much longer than jumping into my dashboard and writing a stream of consciousness. Instead, I'm going to use this space to journal what has been going on with my health and my life and my feelings because that is what's going to work right now.

I created this blog as a place for me to write about my feelings, struggles, and triumphs as a wife and mom raising two small kids. A wife and mother who just happens to be Bipolar Type I. This blog was also developed to serve as a springboard to hopefully publish my memoir someday. I still want to accomplish that goal. I am a young woman living with a mental illness, but I do not feel limited by my diagnosis. I lead a very full, happy, creative, successful life and I want my story to be out there to give hope to other young women who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I believe I'm here for a reason. I hope my readers will continue to follow and check in on my blog here because I will continue to be a positive voice in the face of such a misunderstood and stigmatized condition.

Because my diagnosis doesn't define me. It's just a part of me that I have learned to live with.

The people and experiences of my life are what make me who I am.

And the journey will go on.

Brilliantly. Because that's how I roll.

Could that be me someday?

As I sat in the audience this afternoon and listened intently to the fourteen mothers on stage pour their hearts and souls out during their time at the mic, I couldn't help but wonder:

Could I actually do that? Could that be me someday?

My mother-in-law and I arrived early, and snagged great seats - front and center - to take it all in. As the theater filled up, the room began to buzz with excitement. I heard a song playing that I had suggested via Twitter to Stephanie, the show's Director, last week when she asked "What's your favorite song about motherhood or makes you think about your babies?" Instantly, I thought of the video montages I've made on each of the kids' birthdays and tweeted back, "Let Them Be Little by Billy Dean, Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney, and It Won't Be This Way for Long by Darius Rucker," which were three of my favorites that I had used as background music for those videos of my precious babies.

A few more songs played, and I took another look around to see that practically every seat was taken. Finally, the show was about to start.

Minutes later, as the first presenter spoke, you could feel the emotion in the air. Everyone was focused on the stage and the woman who, at that moment, commanded the microphone. The roar of applause as each speaker finished was the audience's way of thanking each woman for sharing so much of her life with us. For telling us what was inside of her heart.  Not just anyone could get up on stage in front of several hundred people to talk about her family, her kids, her struggles through motherhood.

There were stories that we could all relate to, ones of sleepless babies, sibling tae kwon do classes and family dinner hour gone awry no matter how hard you try. Tales of how hard it is for one mama to drop her preschooler off at school, of how another mom is trying to teach her children that calling someone {or even something} "stupid" is not nice, it hurts feelings, and of how it just may be okay to take your 8-yr old to Hooters for his birthday if he's that persistent about it.

And then there were more unique stories of a child with Autism and his passion for trying his hardest to keep pace with his peers in third grade, of battling and beating cancer to become a stronger person than she'd ever imagined, two separate accounts of miscarriage and how the women were able to mourn their losses and eventually conceive again, giving birth and becoming the mothers they so desperately wanted to be, and a heart-wrenching outpouring of a mother's deep longing, from during her childhood, to just be normal. But then how in the world does a young mother who just lost her 12-yr old son in a tragic accident find normal in the midst of heavy grief?

Each of these stories had the audience captivated during and proud at the end. We laughed out loud, we cried, we nodded in agreement to so many points in the stories we heard.

But how would the audience react to a mother telling her story about how she fought mental illness and won? How, at 26 years old, newly married and climbing the ranks of a successful recruiting career, this young woman crumbled because of a manic breakdown. And when she started picking the pieces up months later, how she faced the reality of countless psychiatrist and therapist appointments trying to figure out just what was wrong with her and how the medication she was on made her so scared she would never be able to have kids that she sunk into the lowest point in her life, a depression that lasted a full year.

I think it would be a gripping story. Especially since I know how it turned out in the end.

But could I actually get up there and tell it to a live audience? That we'll have to wait and see, my friends.

My hope is that with another year of writing under my belt, I'll be that much more confident in my voice and my story.

Because I think it's an important one to tell.

Someday.

Listen to Your Mother DC

Tomorrow is going to be an awesome day. First up, I'm getting up at the crack of dawn to run a 5k. Nothing like getting your workout done first thing in the morning, right? If I'm lucky the hubby will get the kids up and dressed in time to see me cross the finish line. This would be a huge accomplishment for him, considering they were not able to find the finish line at the last 5k I ran back in October, so instead he took them through the drive-thru of McDonald's for breakfast on the way home. Way to feed them a wholesome breakfast, hun! We all know how complicated it is for Dads to get their kids out of bed, fed and dressed (forget the tooth-brushing) before 8am. {This race is actually at the same location as the last one, but still, I'm not holding my breath.}

Next, it's home to shower and get ready to go to lunch with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law before heading over to the theater to see

Can't wait to see these incredible women speak! Maybe next year I'll have enough guts to audition to be part of the cast of LTYMDC 2013.

I hope so.

My manuscript

Sometimes when I think about it, I get all excited to sit down at my computer and start writing again. Especially after receiving feedback from the few individuals who I've asked to read it. When they say it's good, that it's really good, it motivates me so much.

Then life gets in the way.

Diapers need changed, meals need to be served, baths need to be given, stories need read, little ones need to be tucked in.

And after all that, I'm usually too exhausted to open up my manuscript and write. There just aren't enough hours in the day, it seems.

Do I at least get points for thinking about it? Because I think about it a lot. Usually more than once a day.

Sometimes I think I should sit down and at least outline the major points I hope to cover in this story of living my life as a parent with bipolar disorder. You know, an intro, middle and ending. Tie it up with a neat little bow.

The last person who read it and sent me feedback {incredible, detailed, awesome feedback, let me just say} had a good point: it's hard to outline the book because it's not finished yet. I'm still living this life that I am writing about.

Speaking of not being finished. My husband and I are so incredibly grateful to have two precious little ones, a girl and a boy, nonetheless. Sometimes I think we hit the jackpot. Especially since I took medication during my second pregnancy. But I had a surprising feeling emerge after the birth of our daughter.

I don't think I'm done yet.

Surprising because I had intense morning sickness during her pregnancy. So much so, that I took Zofran for six weeks. I had early contractions that sent me to the hospital for monitoring overnight, not once, but twice before she was born. I had awful heartburn almost daily, a bladder that constantly felt as if it were going to explode, and a good night's sleep was distant, distant memory.

But the day after she was born, I knew I could do it again. My husband used to say that he always wanted to have three kids. He and I were both the product of 2-kid families, and I could see his interest in maybe adding another to the mix, but I thought I only wanted two myself. After we found out she was a girl I proclaimed we were done. Then she arrived and I instantly forgot about all the discomfort that the pregnancy caused.

I think you just have that feeling as a woman. You know when you are done and when you're not. And I don't think I'm done yet, plain and simple.

Know it or not, we're not planning on crossing that bridge yet. And so the story isn't truly finished yet. If we do go on to have another child, one thing is for sure: I will continue on Lithium during the entire pregnancy. There is an increased risk of a heart defect, but the benefit of my staying on medication - the medication that works so well for me - vastly outweighs the risk of taking the medication during a pregnancy, for me. For me, and the experience I've had thus far, it's a no-brainer.

So for now, I will go to the manuscript from time to time to tweak and write, but my focus at the moment will be this blog and reaching people through this medium. There are so many ways to reach people, and I hope one day to be in print, but right now I think that one of the best ways is through blogging about my journey.

I will blog on.

Just average

Lately I've been finding so many incredible mommy bloggers out there who are such brilliant writers. They tell their stories with such creativity and raw emotion that I find myself becoming so envious of their ability to say exactly what is on their minds and say it so succinctly and usually with a humorous spin. Not only that, but also the personable touch of  having put themselves out there for the world to see, pictures of their families included, along with beautiful portraits of their smiling faces (usually somewhere in the upper left or right corners followed by a quick text bio.) Why can't that be me?

I realize that to improve on something, you must dedicate yourself to practicing that skill. You must set aside time every day to work hard at getting better. "Practice makes perfect" is a phrase I often heard growing up in regard to my lack of dedication to playing those black and white keys. Just another extra-curricular activity I ended up dropping during my childhood.

My excuses these days are that the kids take up my time during the day that by the end of the day I am so wiped out from having been run ragged by two little monsters for 14 hours straight, the last thing I want to do is sit at my computer and write. More like take a bath with a glass of wine instead.

I've been reading so many other amazing blogs that I've lost focus for my own blog. And I had big dreams for this blog. Still do.

I'm going to work on writing more often. It may not be pretty, but I want to start to make it a habit to come here and write about what is on my mind. One blog I've been reading lately does a link-up on Tuesdays called Just Write in which she encourages other bloggers to spend some time writing "in the moment" which is a new exercise I am going to try.

I'm going to do a mini version of it right now because I do have something on my mind.

During the last date my husband and I went on which was a few weeks ago, I mentioned to him how I wanted to get better at writing and photography. It occurred to me that I have always had a love of everything artistic, ever since I was very young. And yet, in college I was too timid to truly follow my heart for fear of failing and not being able to support myself as a "starving artist". Turns out, in the recruiting business I ended up in, I saw first-hand how challenging it was for graphic designers and writers to launch their careers on a decent salary and at that point in my life I was grateful that I had chosen to follow a more lucrative career path.

Our conversation shifted to the kids. We both agreed that we want to try our best to encourage and support them no matter what field or career the choose to pursue. I have a feeling that this will be tough for me, as I have an underlying ability to speak my opinion on any and everything involving my children. It's another thing I am working on.

I aspire someday to be recognized for being a voice that helps other people. And I hope that by that time I am able to do that through words, pictures and maybe even video, as some of my fellow bloggers do right now. I have so much respect for you, ladies. Keep on writing because you all inspire me and so many other people through your heartfelt words. (Check them out by clicking through my blogroll, right sidebar.)

That's all for now from me, just your average mommy blogger.