As a mother of two

As a mother of two...

• our day starts at 7am sharp (or 5am if Mister Man decides he just can't wait until the sun is completely up to go downstairs and play - I pull him into bed with us until the sun is actually up or else I can't function).
• breakfast is usually filled with lots of urgent requests for milk, fruit, napkins, mommymommymommy!!! (Is it 8pm yet?).
• then we're either home for the morning while I try to put a few hours in of work while they watch educational children's shows (Pinky Dinky Doo, anyone?) or I drop them off at the Mom's Morning Out program up the street where they play for 3 hours.
• lunchtime is just as urgent as breakfast. Baby Girl has been demoted to sippy cups for her recent cup dumping incidents.
• three days a week the boy goes to afternoon preschool for 3 hours, so that's another 10-minute drive across town with both kids to drop him off, while on the way home I have all the windows down and the radio blasting to keep the princess from falling asleep before we get home. otherwise, her nap will be much shorter than I need it to be.
• she's in her crib by 1pm every day for her nap, which rarely goes past 2:30. if the little guy is home with me, he'll always go in his room for quiet time but if he's not asleep after 30 minutes, I let him come downstairs and play quietly. so I don't have to listen to him romp around in his room while I'm trying to work blog.
• by 4pm when we're home from preschool pick-up (thank God for car lines, sooo much easier), we're ready for Daddy to be home. Unfortunately for us, we have another two hours to kill. So we have snacks, got to the playground, or head to the library. Or, if on the off-chance I'm attempting to cook that night, the kids watch another show or play on the ipad (Toca Tea Party is AWESOME, btw) while I try to put together a meal that the whole family will actually eat.
• The hubby gets home around 6pm each night, sometimes earlier, but never later. I'm a very lucky girl in that regard, I do know this and am incredibly thankful for his family-friendly work schedule. The kids play with him for an hour, we all eat, and then do bathtime.
• After bath, we each take a kid. For a few months, our daughter only would let me put her to bed, now she's much better about giving Daddy a chance too.
• By the time 8pm rolls around, both kids are in bed and the hubby and I have our time together.
• We need to get back into working out together at night, but travel schedules lately have gotten in the way and we're too exhausted to think of putting on a 90-min P90x DVD. Maybe we'll do it again in January, but for now we're just relaxing and trying to get to bed earlier (I joined the "10pm & earlier bedtime club" this week).

I love our kids and the routine we have. This town we live in is so family-oriented and I am so grateful to live 3 minutes away from my best friend. Sometimes, like today for example, I can take a moment and sit back and take it all in and in my heart I feel one thing: content.

Except for one little notion that lingers in my mind and tugs at my uterus.

I think I want one more baby. I just don't know when.

What I do know is that right now I am content with the two beautiful babies I do have in my arms. I am content with getting a solid 7-8, or sometimes even 9 on the weekend, hours of sleep each and every day. Sometimes I can even nap on the weekends if I want. I am content in being able to work part-time from home and get paid a decent salary, while at the same time, enjoying being able to be with my kids during the day.

I don't think I'm ready for a newborn again.

Not anytime soon.

So we'll see. The gap between the Little Man and Baby Girl is 2 & 1/4 years and at the rate we're going, it would likely be a 3 year gap between the Little Miss and a new baby if we started trying soon. That would be nice, but the more I think about it, the more I think that I'd be okay with a bigger gap.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Thoughts for a friend getting help

I "met" Kim of Make Mommy Go Something Something online in the months following the launch of my blog. She had several years of experience under her belt, so I reached out to her for help and she responded immediately. We began chatting over email and even talked via Facetime a few times. Kim, like me, also has bipolar disorder. But hers is Bipolar II while mine is Bipolar I, meaning her moods tend to swing to the lower end of the spectrum and mine are the opposite - I tend to have higher mood swings to the extent of becoming manic if I do not get enough sleep. We connected right away, both being young moms who enjoyed blogging about the struggles we faced with our condition, our kids, and our home life. Kim is such a cool person. So funny, smart and kind. I started joining in on her Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturdays series, a fun link-up party on her blog that she created. With this part-time job (that I should be putting hours into right now, but I'm blogging instead - much more imortant right now than work, imo), I've lost touch with my friend. And I miss her.

She's going through a lot right now. I know exactly what she's going through and it's gut-wrenching.

Reading that she recently entered the hospital to get help for the deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety she's been battling of late takes me back to my last two hospitalizations. My heart breaks for her, but at the same time, I'm so incredibly proud of her for seeking the help that she knows in her own heart that she needs to get well. To be there for her husband and son. To feel human again.

I was there too. Those times were the lowest lows of my life. I missed out on almost two full week's of my son's life because I was so sick I needed medical intervention to bring me back to reality. And although I may not have wanted to go at the time, being forced into going to the hospital was just what I needed to re-start my life.

I got do-overs. I learned how to take care of myself so that I hopefully won't have to go back to the hospital again. But, in the end, if I do have to go back at some point, I know from experience that it's not the end of the world. It's so that I can get well. And getting well and staying well are the most important things when you're living with a mental illness.

Kim will get there. She's getting her do-over right now. And I know in time she'll be well because she's doing what she needs to do, however hard it might be right now.

She inspires me. Not only her writing, but her personality and her sheer determination. She's a true warrior.

Get well, my friend. Miss you and thinking of you every day. Sending love and hugs via the interwebs.

xoxo

Living with bipolar disorder

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about the fact that I am living with a mental illness. Not because I worry about what other people think of me, it's not that at all. It's because I have to constantly be taking the pulse of my mood so that I can manage my illness to the best of my ability. Over the last seven years I've gotten pretty good at it. I like to describe my experience living with bipolar disorder as a scale of one to ten. A simple ten point scale tells so much for someone like me. Think of it this way: 1 = completely depressed, can't get out of bed; 5 = in the middle, balanced (this is what I strive for every day); and 10 = completely manic, need hospital. I won't lie, I like being in the 6-7 range, but when I do have those times when I creep up to the 8's, I start to crumble. I know that when I get to 8, I need to make time for sleep or else I could tip over to 9 or 10 and that would be incredibly awful. Just because I've been there before. And now we have two kids and I would hate for them to see me in a manic state. Just as I would hate for them to see me depressed. But with my version of bipolar disorder, Bipolar I, my moods swing on the higher side of the scale versus the low side.

Nighttime is the hardest. The kids have been asleep for an hour and within that time I've cleaned up the kitchen and (of late) collapsed on the couch in front of my favorite show right now: XFactor. Some nights I am motivated enough to do a workout and then am filled with so much serotonin that it's almost impossible to turn off the endorphins enough to sleep right afterwards.

I'm trying to curb my evening leftover work/facebook surfing/twitter gazing/blog stalking to a minimum so that I can hopefully join the 10pm bedtime club.

When I do climb into bed, I get super jealous of my husband who, within exactly two minutes of us shutting off the lights, is snoring away happily. I'm a different story. My eyes close, my breathing slows down, and I shift around until I get into a comfortable position to try to nod off. Thoughts pop up and a running to-do list keeps flashing before me. I've learned coping mechanisms over the years so now I am able to turn down those things and find sweet sleep. If ever an hour goes by and I am still not asleep, I know that I must pop a sleeping pill to help me get the zzz's that I need.

I've just been thinking lately about how I live with this each and every day, and will for the rest of my life. Nothing I can't handle, just thought my readers might be interested in knowing a little bit about what it feels like.

Love my StitchFix

Given how fashion-challenged I am, packing for our trip to LA/Malibu was a bit intimidating. To keep me from stressing out, I enlisted the help of StitchFix, an online styling service that chooses pieces for you based on an easy survey you fill out. For $20, they send you a fun box of five custom-picked items for you to try on at home, with all your favorite wardrobe staples, to see what works for you. Then you choose your favorites to keep, sending back the rest (free shipping both ways!). I wish I would have taken pics of my box as I was unpacking it, but I was too excited to see what I had received. I had asked specifically for pieces that would work for a Malibu beach wedding weekend, and they totally delivered. I love that I didn't have to commit to 3 months or 12 months, you can get just one fix if you're skeptical like I was, to see if it works for you.

So my fix had a pair of silver earrings, which, while cute, weren't very unique. I already owned a pair like them, so I immediately knew I'd pass on them. The other items I received were a cute cream-colored boxy sweater, beautiful red silk shorts with a sash tie belt, and an elegant brick red pleated halter cocktail dress (which I would have kept had I not already had a dress to wear to the wedding - it was super cute!).

I loved how they included a styling card with each piece, showing you how to pull items in your existing wardrobe to put together outfits. My only critique of these helpful cards was that they were attached to the pieces at the tag, which made it challenging to look at it while you were wearing the piece. (I sent them this feedback when I filled out my return questionnaire describing how I liked each of the five pieces, another awesome feature of StitchFix which helps them make your next fix even better.)

I did really like all of the pieces in my box, but since I'm on a bit of a budget, I ended up only keeping one item: the blue ikat print tunic. I was able to find items in my closet that worked well with it - I could dress it up or down. So in terms of building my wardrobe, I felt this piece was the best choice.

Here I am in Malibu wearing the tunic with my black leggings and black ballet flats. I will be wearing it again this weekend with jeans, boots and a cream-colored sweater. Love the versatility!

Thank you StitchFix for such a fun shopping experience! If you're interested in trying them out, go here to fill out the request for an invite. It only took a week for mine to arrive and then I was off to fill out their online Style Profile so that I could receive my first fix! I'm already getting excited about requesting my next box - right in time for my 15-yr high school reunion. :)

xoxo

Life and the sweetest moments in photos

My husband and I just got back from a five-day trip to sunny California to see one of my childhood friends get married. My mom and dad agreed to stay with the kids so we could have a nice, relaxing trip. A chance to recharge our batteries, so to speak.

It was so incredible. Being able to do what we wanted and not have to worry about the kids was so nice. It took me back to our first five years of marriage. Plus, we got to hang out with my best friends at the same time as a bonus. The weather was amazing - bright sunshine and perfectly warm days followed by crisp evenings with a slight nip in the air.

I thought about the kids, don't get me wrong. My parents texted pictures of the kids so we wouldn't miss them too much. But the moment I saw my mom's number pop up on my phone as we were sitting out by the pool having cocktails before dinner the second night, I knew something was wrong. They had to bring her in to Urgent Care because when my mom was lifting her out of the bathtub, the little princess felt she needed to exert her authority by sitting down as my mom was pulling her up by her hands. My immediate thought was that her shoulder popped out of the socket. But the doctor determined it was her elbow and after reviewing the x-rays, the little lady turned out to be just fine.

Her mom on the other hand, was a little shook up. But I knew she was in good hands with her Grandma and Poppy. After finding out everything was fine and her arm was doing much better the next day, I was able to relax for the remainder of the trip and enjoy the time with my friends and hubby. We did sightseeing in Los Angeles (saw Rodeo Drive!), went out to eat at some trendy restaurants, and witnessed our friends tie the knot on a gorgeous ranch property overlooking Malibu beach. Dinner and dancing followed and we took tons of photos, so as to capture the perfection of the day in frames that we could cherish forever.

On the flight home I started to feel melancholy. I love the times I have with my friends, but I get so choked up when I sit down and think about how little time I actually get to spend with them each year. We all have families and careers and other responsibilities that seem to fill up our calendars so that when we do all eventually get together, we usually start planning our next get-together. One of my friends coined it our own special "bucket list" of things we want to do together. On the list so far is a camping trip, a sailing trip, and the wedding of the last of the six of us to get married.

Then I get home late Sunday night and the next morning I start feeling anxious and teary. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, other than I had read an excerpt from a book of a woman who had lost her husband in the 9/11 attacks and it made me so scared and sad. I've always been afraid of death, afraid of whether I've done enough in my life before I die. It didn't help that my mom joked that she doesn't think she'll be around for her granddaughter's wedding (she'd be in her 80's).

I'm even more scared of losing someone I love, than I am of actually dying myself. The only people who I've lost who I was close to were my dad's two college friends and I didn't have day-to-day contact with them, just lots of memories from growing up. I worry about what will happen to me when my Grandma passes, or if I ever lost a close friend. I don't know if I could handle the hurt.

For now I am thankful to have an appointment with my therapist tonight. I'm going to discuss this all with her to see what she thinks. I'm sure she'll have some ideas for me on how to cope. In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the pictures we took this past weekend and am smiling at the memories with friends whom I love dearly.

4 years ago he changed my life forever

I'll never forget the moment I became a mom. 

Even though I was manic beyond belief by the time I finally got to hold him for the first time and for the entire four weeks following his birth, I still somehow knew how incredibly different my life was going to be now that he had arrived.

He made me want to be a better person. He gave my life purpose. He made us a family. He made my heart explode with love every time I held him to my chest.

Little Man, your Mama loves you more than anything in the whole world.

Over these past four years you have become such an inquisitive fire-cracker of a preschooler who challenges me to the core each and every day.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Your laugh makes me smile and within seconds I am laughing right along with you.

Your energy keeps me motivated to run along with you.

Your eyelashes make me so incredibly jealous.

I love the way you protect and love on your baby sister.

I get goosebumps when I see how happy you are when you're in the water. You are such a fish.

You are so passionate about fire trucks and fire fighters that I wouldn't be surprised at all if you become one someday.

Having you in my life is one of the most magical miracles I have ever experienced.

Singing you Twinkle, Twinkle every night these past four years is my favorite way to end the day.

In one hour you turn four.

Happy 4th Birthday, Little Man. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mommy

xoxo

An honest letter to my babies {2}

Dear Mister Man and Sweet Pea,

The past few weeks have been filled with a bunch of new changes. With the change of seasons comes changes in schedules, and it always stresses me out even though it really shouldn't.

Last week was really rough. First off, you both had croup so it made for an extremely long week of lots of tears, moping around and general whining about not feeling good and being stuck in the house. It wore me out to the core. So much so, that I practically forgot your Grandma's birthday.

Luckily for you, Mister Man, although you had to skip your "Meet the Teachers" day at school, you were well enough to start school on time and last Friday was your first day. You ROCKED it. And I was very impressed with myself for not crying.

You made me so proud when your sister and I walked you into your new classroom and you gave me a quick hug goodbye, walked right up to your new teacher, smiled and jumped right into your day with your classmates. It went so smoothly.

When we picked you up later in the afternoon and I asked you to tell me all about your day on the way home, you got annoyed easily with me because I was asking for too many details. Whenever you get that scrunched up tight-lipped smile and cross your arms, I know you're overtired. I was worried about it because you do still nap sometimes, but the afternoon program was the only spot that we were offered since it is such a popular, well-regarded program in our area.

I've been having some mommy-guilt. I feel like I've been missing out on things lately because I'm trying to juggle this part-time job and also be totally present with you two. There were times last week when I would need to put in an hour or two in the morning and Sweet Pea you would come toddling over to me with a sad smile because you knew I couldn't play at that moment. You'd tug at my hand as if the weight of your little body could pull me out of my chair and into the family room where you had some blocks sitting in a pile ready to build a tower.

It was breaking my heart. I wanted so badly in that moment to just ignore my work emails that were waiting in my inbox to be answered so that I could take your hand and walk over and build tower after tower until we went on to the next toy or book or puzzle. Sometimes I am torn up inside because your brother had that from me and you aren't getting that undivided attention from your mommy because I have to split my time between work, your brother, housework, errands, and your daddy who I feel as if I don't get enough time with either.

But I need to stop thinking like the pessimest that I am and start thinking about the many blessings that we have.

We live in a beautiful house, eat nutritious food every day, have wonderful friends and family around us, and I get to see you both throughout the day, every day.

I love that you said you missed me today, Mister Man, when we were driving in the car. You said you missed me when you were at preschool the other day. I missed you too, bud. But the best thing about being a stay-at-home-mom with a part-time, work-from-home-job is that I get to pick you up from school every. single. day.

And I wouldn't trade that for the world. I'm going to make the most of the hours and minutes we do have together, when I'm not putting in the work hours.

Sweet Pea, you are amazing me more and more these days. You are constantly wanting to do exactly what your big brother is doing, whether that be climbing the big ladder at the playground or climbing the bar stool in our kitchen to have breakfast in the morning. And when I decided three days ago to add a Mom's Morning Out for you and your brother on Mondays and Wednesdays to your busy schedules, you didn't blink an eye. I dropped you both off and I barely got a hug and kiss goodbye before you ran into the room to meet your new teacher and friends. You started playing immediately and I headed home to work for three hours, uninterrupted.

Uninterrupted, if you don't count the couple of times that I stopped what I was doing to wonder exactly what you two were doing at that moment. Were you coloring or playing dress-up? Maybe play-doh or enjoying snack time with your new friends?

Again, I was so proud when I picked you two up and your teachers said you did so well and they loved having you in class.

I know I'm packing your schedule with Mom's Morning Out, preschool in the afternoon, and a swim class for each of you, and I sometimes worry that it's too much. We'll see how September goes and will make changes in October if we need to. But I know in my heart that you love all the activity. You both are so social and outgoing and it makes me so incredibly happy to see you making friends and playing and learning every day.

Your little hearts are so open to new things, meeting new people and learning about the world.

Stay that way always, my loves.

The seasons are changing, and there are so many good times ahead.

All my love and hugs,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Balance and lack there of

Wow. What a week it's been. Lately I find myself wondering: why it is so hard to balance the various curveballs and uppercuts life throws at us? Why can't I just magically make everything WORK? Speaking of work. That is something I did very little of this week. But I'll get to that.

Little man came down with a fever on Monday morning which landed us in Urgent Care that evening at 9:30pm when he could barely catch his breath. He slept okay after a nebulizer treatment and some Children's Motrin, but by the next afternoon he sounded like Darth Vader so we ran over to the pediatrician to find out he had croup, which I had suspected by that point. The doc put him on an oral steroid to keep his airway from swelling shut.

It worked really well. By Wednesday morning he was much better, but Baby girl had contracted his lovely virus. Luckily (I thought at the time) her airway sounded fine and I thought she'd escape with just a cold.

Yeah. Not so much.

She had a fever off and on all day yesterday and her breathing started sounding worse and worse. Last night I had my husband stop at Target on his way home from work to buy a new humidifier and she slept fine with it running to steam up her small room. But I knew right when I picked her up this morning that she needed that same med that the doc gave her brother. I didn't even bother to take a shower. Instead I threw on clothes, brushed my teeth and asked my husband to stay home with our son while I rushed her over to the pediatrician (so thankful to live within 3 minutes driving distance from the office and for their established patient walk-in sick hours from 7:30-8:30am).

There was a line 8 patients long by the time I arrived at the office at 7:30. A kind mother in front of us who heard my daughter's Darth Vader breathing let us go ahead of her and her son.

We didn't have to wait long at all, which was such a blessing. And all the excess activity in the waiting room actually distracted baby girl, so that was helpful.

The P.A. took a quick look at her and put her on the same med just in a liquid form. They even gave her the first dose (along with a dose of Children's Motrin) in the office to get her feeling better ASAP.

We headed home to give her breakfast. Hubby left for work. Little Man was still in jammies. At least he was eating, that was a start.

I gave her a breathing treatment after she ate while the kids watched an episode of Super Why. Then it was upstairs for mommy to have a quick shower before we rushed out the door again.

We had to drop off her prescription at the pharmacy and luckily there was a Starbucks in the strip mall because my head was about to start throbbing from my lack of my usual 2 cups. Then we hit the barber so that Little Man could get a haircut before his big first day of preschool.

After that we had plenty of time to make it to my eye doctor appointment across town. The kids were amazingly well-behaved while we waited the extra 15 minutes before the doctor was ready to see me to check if the trial lenses she had set me up with were working (they weren't). She said she'd order me a new pair to try and sent us on our way.

Back home we ate lunch and got Little Man ready for school. Baby Girl was jealous of his new backpack, so I found his old butterfly backpack which satisfied her for a little while when I told her she could pick out some toys to stuff in it. We got his snack together to take to school and took some pictures (okay, a lot of pictures) at the front door before hitting the road for what felt like the tenth time today. At this point, Baby Girl is starting to tear up at the mere sight of the car.

Drop off at his new preschool went so well! The only thing that is tough about it is the timing - he starts school at 12:45, which is usually the time his sister is napping. So I'm hoping over the next couple of weeks she'll get used to napping later. For now, she fell asleep on the way to school, woke up when we had to get out and walk him to his classroom, and was up on the drive home. I prayed she would go back to sleep in her crib once we got home. Little Man was so excited and jumped right into meeting his teachers and new friends. It was really cute.

Now if I could have just let her sleep until I had to pick him up, it wouldn't have been that bad. But, of course that's not what happened today. She was asleep in her crib from 1pm while I worked, until I realized I had my psychiatrist appointment at 2pm (thankfully, she's in the same building at the pedi) so I let her sleep until the very last minute I could and we made it to the appointment on time.

All the running around today was not very conducive to Baby Girl resting to kick this damn croup.

We were back home from 2:45pm (when I gave her a dose of Children's Tylenol because she was so uncomfortable) until we had to leave to pick up her brother at 3:30. Thank heavens for carline pickup!! Seriously, it's so convenient. Five cars line up at a time, the teachers walk those 5 kids (radioed from the Directors whose parents were there to get them) to their parent's cars. Baby Girl got to snooze on. Little Man had such a fun day, but got annoyed with me that I kept asking him to tell me more. He gets such an attitude sometimes when he skips his nap, but we could only get PM preschool, so he'll have to just make up for those M/W/F naps on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I treated the kids to McDonald's strawberry milkshakes for the rough day we had.

The worst part about this crazy, hectic, so-over-my-kids-being-sick-and-cranky day? I completely forgot to call my mom and wish her a happy birthday.

I suck.

My phone rang at 6:58pm and when it was my Dad on the caller ID I didn't even think of it then. Not until I answered and heard my mom's voice instead.

"Hi honey! How was your day? Little Man feeling better?" she asked, cheerily.

"Okay. Yeah, he's better, but I was at the pedia-OH MY GOSH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I AM SOOOO SORRY, MOM!!!"

My heart sank. I wanted to cry, but instead spewed off all the things we did today only to feel even worse that I was making excuses for why I almost forgot.

Oh, and her card is also running a day late. Daughter-of-the-year over here.

I'm so sorry Mom. Please know that I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all.

I know that things will never be perfectly aligned, that there will always be kids that get sick, work hours to put in, a house to clean, etc, etc. I just hope that I don't ever potentially  forget another birthday in the future. (I like to think that I would have realized my mistake tonight after the kids were in bed, so let's just give me the benefit of the doubt to make me feel a smidge better, okay?)

I love you to pieces and can't wait for our beach trip in November where you'll have a luxurious, relaxing facial at the spa to enjoy as your birthday gift from me. Thank you for being my mom. You mean the world to me.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

xoxo

An honest letter to my babies

July 12, 2012

To my dear Mister Man and Sweet Pea,

Been thinking about writing a letter like this to you two for awhile now. Given the fact that you both conked out early tonight and I got my workout finished before 9pm, now is as good a time as ever.

These past four years with the two of you in our life, have been the best (and most challenging) years your Daddy and I have ever experienced, and they have not passed without some majorly scary ups and downs. When I say "ups", I really mean manic. My "downs" were before you both were born.

You see, your mommy has Bipolar Disorder.

It's something I probably won't explain to you until you are much older. You don't see me take my medication every day, but you have been with me to see my psychiatrist. You both just love the toys she has there at her office, and now when I tell you that "Mommy has to go to the doctor," you always ask if you can play with the toys at the office. Last time I had to go "to the doctor" I was referring to my gynecologist and she only had a plastic uterus to play with which wasn't as fun, was it?

Right now my illness is mainly hidden from you, but there are times its characteristics creep out of me in the ways I sometimes respond to your behaviors. There are times when I may yell a little too loud, or in a nasty way complete with a scowl on my face. Maybe it's just part of being a little worn out from the whole Stay-At-Home-Mom thing, but I believe that my occasional outbursts have something to do with my condition. My patience is so thin you could poke a hole in it with a feather. Not all the times, but sometimes. Especially when it's the week before my period. Not fun. Not fun for anyone in this household.

Your Daddy and I have worked so hard together to manage this thing though. We're beating it, he and I. We're doing it together. He, by tolerating my moods and by hugging and holding me when I need the extra love and feeling of security only his arms can provide. And me, by taking my meds, seeing my doctor and therapist, and eating right and exercising.

Whenever I do have a moment where I lash out and am unkind to either of you, I immediately feel full of regret and wish I could go back 10 minutes in time to re-do what happened again so that I could handle the situation differently, more lovingly. But I guess that's kindof what parenting is all about; learning from our mistakes and doing things better next time.

I try to make up for any mean/sad/bigfatwettearsrollingdownthecheeks situations by smothering you with hugs and kisses after we've resolved whatever we were arguing about. In fact, I read an article recently online that said that kids need 12 hugs a day and I have started to work hard to exceed that with each of you. I feel so complete when I have your arms wrapped around me, and the funny thing about it is that when I ask one of you for a hug, the other usually immediately runs over and joins in and we have a group hug going on which is so special to me. Love, love, LOVE those moments. I crave more of them every day that goes by.

I love my time at home with you two and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'm feeling nervous about going back to work next week, even though it is from home and it's only part-time, because it's going to take away from precious hours I spend with my loves. Mister Man, I may not get to sneak into your room at the end of naptime, when I see that you're just starting to stir on the monitor, to curl up with you and snuggle and take long whiffs of your hair and neck. Sweet Pea, I may not get to sing you "Twinkle, Twinkle" before naptime, and rock you until your sleepy eyelids start to drift closed. I'm hoping that by working my part-time hours right smack in the middle of the day that the only thing I'm going to be missing is naptime, but the more I think about it, the sadder I get because even when you don't sleep, Little Man, I still enjoy the quiet time we have together while your sister is snoozing. Even if I seem frustrated that you're awake because I'm not able to get my housework done. I secretly don't mind.

There is so much more I want to say about how I'm living with this illness every day and how I'll explain it all to you in the future, but this first installment of my letters to you both is just the beginning, just what is on my mind at this moment in time. How you both have made our family so much richer even in the midst of learning to cope with something as complicated and intense and draining as a mental illness. I am so incredibly thankful that your Daddy and I took the leap we did back in the fall of 2007 to start our family. I couldn't imagine us any other way now.

I love you both to the moon and back, and am loving watching you grow up more and more every day.

Try to slow down a little because it seems like it's going by just a smidge too fast. 'Kay?

Keep loving me back, even if we may have our tough days. The days when we yell at each other. The days when there may be tears. Because the good days far, far outweigh the bad ones. And they always will.

All my love and kisses,

Mommy

xoxoxo

I love the beach

Greetings from Ocean City, MD! We're enjoying an incredible long weekend with our friends in a sweet "overly-beachy" decorated condo on the beachside where we are soaking in as much sun and sand as possible with a preschooler, two toddlers and an infant in tow.

This morning my husband was kind enough to take over kid-duty beginning at 6:15am while I laced up my sneaks for a 45-minute walk/jog on the almost-deserted beach. My knee is killing me, but I pushed through the pain {probably doing more harm than good, but my ipod had such a fun mix on it that I didn't want to walk} and felt like I got a nice workout in taking the place of P90x since we're on vacation.

We each brought a dinner to share for a night so we could eat in for two nights and save money, while enjoying one night out on the town which we did tonight. Even though we had to wait an hour for a table in the air-conditioned dining room, it was worth it since the food was so good. For our meals in, I made a vegetarian lasagna with zucchini fresh from the farm, and a seasoned tofu and quinoa mixture for the cheese, which came out pretty well if I don't say so myself. Our friends brought fresh mahi mahi to batter and fry up tomorrow night and we're planning on making it early so that we can take the kids to the boardwalk in the evening and be home before they tucker out completely and melt down. Breakfast was split too; yesterday we made 7-grain pancakes and fruit for everyone and tomorrow our friends have an egg casserole on tap. Let's just say we haven't gone hungry this weekend. I'll definitely need to put in some extra workouts next week to help burn it all off.

Tomorrow is our last full day here and I'm already sad that it's winding down. Although I will say it's been like a little preview of our upcoming week in North Carolina with my mom's side of the family in August, and it's making me that much more excited for the trip despite the long drive we have in store for us. It's going to be the first time that we've done a huge family beach trip and as sad as it is that I only really see some of my cousins at weddings and funerals since we almost all have families now and it's so hard to travel, I have a feeling it will be the beginning of an annual tradition. That is, if we all survive the week together.

Sun, sand, a gorgeous mansion of a beach house with a deck pathway leading to the water for a solid week - it is going to be unreal. Especially because of the fact that all the grandparents are coming along so we'll have built-in babysitters whenever we need them. All the adult cousins and their kids are in one house and our parents and my grandma are in another house down the street. I can't even remember the last time I spent an entire week at the beach. It must have been when I was about 14 years old. The only reason we were able to afford this vacation was by planning it an entire year in advance. And we paid in a couple of installments which made it easier to manage.

Again, another reason the call from my old boss about returning to work part-time was a such a blessing. It is allowing us to take nice vacations like this weekend, our trip in August, and our upcoming trip in October for my highschool friend's wedding in California {just me and the hubby}.

For now, I'm just trying to take it all in and enjoy every single moment. The sand on my skin, the little bit of sunburn on my chest from swimming too long in the water today, and the smell of the ocean off our balcony. So grateful to be here in this moment.

Where I go from here

A couple of things happened this week that have made me think about this blog. First off, my laptop died. I had put it in sleep mode before I left the house to go get my hair done on Tuesday evening, and when I got home a few hours later and went to turn it on, nothing happened. It went to sleep and just never woke up. Talk about a good way to go.

There are some things on the hard drive that I'm going to try to recover, but pretty much everything is gone. Luckily, most of our family photos are backed up on our external hard drive. But I had filled that up about 6 months ago and we have yet to buy a new one, so some pictures and videos are lost. I won't really know what all is gone until I need something and realize it was on the old laptop. Oh well, it's a tough lesson in backing up your files, I guess.

I had just begun looking into buying a new laptop when I started wondering how we'd afford a new one since it's not really in the budget for a one-family income. Then yesterday, my old boss called and asked if I'd be interested in doing some work from home. $$$ Cha-ching!!! $$$

For 6 months. $$$$$$ CHA-CHING!!! $$$$$$

Yes, please.

Now the only thing I needed to figure out was how I'd do the work with the kids around. She wanted me to think about it and get back to her tomorrow with an idea of how many hours a week I could put in, and when I'd most likely be logging those hours. I started to think about how I could find reliable, low-cost childcare so that I could put in 2-3 hours a day of work and still rake in a decent hourly rate.  I immediately thought of my friend's babysitter she uses a few hours each week and called her up to see if I could hire the highschooler too. She doesn't see why it won't work out. Their family is actually going on vacation for a few weeks so they won't be able to keep her busy all summer, so this might just be the perfect situation for everyone. I'll find out on Sunday if she's interested since she's on vacation this week with her family. If she's up for the job, it could work out perfectly since her rate is right in line with what I wanted to pay and I know she's qualified since she's done a great job watching my friend's kids who are the same ages as mine.

If the babysitter works out, this will help me with the issue of when to do the work because ideally I'd like to be able to do an activity with the kids in the morning or early evening, and get my work in around the lunch hour. That way, I'll still be able to enjoy my summer with the kids, while not feeling like I'm missing out on much with them since my daughter will nap part of the time I'm working.

It's all coming together a little too perfectly. I've got my fingers crossed that the babysitter is interested and available, and that my old boss will pay me what I'm going to ask for.

I'd like to try to keep my evenings free because that is when my husband and I have been doing P90x. We've been getting the kids to bed by 8/8:30pm and then putting in an hour {sometimes an hour & 1/2} of exercise for the past 9 days. It's an intense commitment, but we're both on board and are hoping to see some incredible results by the time we're done. Nine days down, only eighty-one to go.

With all that has been going on, I'm wondering how I am going to continue blogging as much as I used to. I also keep a family blog, which I haven't been able to update nearly as much as the grandparents would like lately. I feel like something has to give right now, and with work {hopefully} starting soon, it's going to have to be this blog.

I've decided I'm going to stop doing link-ups for the time being, as much as I love them and it makes me sad to drop them right now, solely because they take me so much longer than jumping into my dashboard and writing a stream of consciousness. Instead, I'm going to use this space to journal what has been going on with my health and my life and my feelings because that is what's going to work right now.

I created this blog as a place for me to write about my feelings, struggles, and triumphs as a wife and mom raising two small kids. A wife and mother who just happens to be Bipolar Type I. This blog was also developed to serve as a springboard to hopefully publish my memoir someday. I still want to accomplish that goal. I am a young woman living with a mental illness, but I do not feel limited by my diagnosis. I lead a very full, happy, creative, successful life and I want my story to be out there to give hope to other young women who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I believe I'm here for a reason. I hope my readers will continue to follow and check in on my blog here because I will continue to be a positive voice in the face of such a misunderstood and stigmatized condition.

Because my diagnosis doesn't define me. It's just a part of me that I have learned to live with.

The people and experiences of my life are what make me who I am.

And the journey will go on.

Brilliantly. Because that's how I roll.

Bad day

You stand in the line just to hit a new lowYou're faking a smile with the coffee to go They tell me your life's been way off line You're falling to pieces every time And I don't need no carryin' on

~ Daniel Powter, lyrics to Bad Day {2005}

This song conjures up all kinds of emotions for me. It debuted in the US in early 2006, right around the time when I had returned to work after my first two hospitalizations. I was fragile. I was sick. The level of anxiety which pulsed through my blood was so high I could barely keep my hands from shaking at times. I had been having many bad days, not just "a" bad day. And this song would come on over the radio on my commute home from the office almost every evening.

The tears would start to flow and it was so hard to get them to stop.

I knew what I had to do, although it broke me to pieces to have to do it.

Resigning from a career I had worked so hard for, I had poured so many hours of my life into, was one of the most difficult {and yet, at the same time, simple} turning points in my life. Only I didn't know it was a turning point at the time.

It felt like I was digging myself a grave to crawl into. Like I would never be ever to build myself up to the high point I had reached in my industry.

I had lost every ounce of confidence that used to flow so easily from my voice, my mannerisms, my personality. Much of 2006 was consumed with crying spells, crippling anxiety, and self-doubt that I would ever be able to return to my former identity.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg?rel=0]

When that song comes on the radio these days, I think back on the low moments of my past when I was first diagnosed and realize that I've come a long way.

Man, have I come a long way.

I've learned that there are times in our lives which are going to be uncomfortable, dismal, and scary. We just need to stay positive as much as possible, lean on friends and family for support, and know that there is sunshine after the storm.