Life and the sweetest moments in photos

My husband and I just got back from a five-day trip to sunny California to see one of my childhood friends get married. My mom and dad agreed to stay with the kids so we could have a nice, relaxing trip. A chance to recharge our batteries, so to speak.

It was so incredible. Being able to do what we wanted and not have to worry about the kids was so nice. It took me back to our first five years of marriage. Plus, we got to hang out with my best friends at the same time as a bonus. The weather was amazing - bright sunshine and perfectly warm days followed by crisp evenings with a slight nip in the air.

I thought about the kids, don't get me wrong. My parents texted pictures of the kids so we wouldn't miss them too much. But the moment I saw my mom's number pop up on my phone as we were sitting out by the pool having cocktails before dinner the second night, I knew something was wrong. They had to bring her in to Urgent Care because when my mom was lifting her out of the bathtub, the little princess felt she needed to exert her authority by sitting down as my mom was pulling her up by her hands. My immediate thought was that her shoulder popped out of the socket. But the doctor determined it was her elbow and after reviewing the x-rays, the little lady turned out to be just fine.

Her mom on the other hand, was a little shook up. But I knew she was in good hands with her Grandma and Poppy. After finding out everything was fine and her arm was doing much better the next day, I was able to relax for the remainder of the trip and enjoy the time with my friends and hubby. We did sightseeing in Los Angeles (saw Rodeo Drive!), went out to eat at some trendy restaurants, and witnessed our friends tie the knot on a gorgeous ranch property overlooking Malibu beach. Dinner and dancing followed and we took tons of photos, so as to capture the perfection of the day in frames that we could cherish forever.

On the flight home I started to feel melancholy. I love the times I have with my friends, but I get so choked up when I sit down and think about how little time I actually get to spend with them each year. We all have families and careers and other responsibilities that seem to fill up our calendars so that when we do all eventually get together, we usually start planning our next get-together. One of my friends coined it our own special "bucket list" of things we want to do together. On the list so far is a camping trip, a sailing trip, and the wedding of the last of the six of us to get married.

Then I get home late Sunday night and the next morning I start feeling anxious and teary. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, other than I had read an excerpt from a book of a woman who had lost her husband in the 9/11 attacks and it made me so scared and sad. I've always been afraid of death, afraid of whether I've done enough in my life before I die. It didn't help that my mom joked that she doesn't think she'll be around for her granddaughter's wedding (she'd be in her 80's).

I'm even more scared of losing someone I love, than I am of actually dying myself. The only people who I've lost who I was close to were my dad's two college friends and I didn't have day-to-day contact with them, just lots of memories from growing up. I worry about what will happen to me when my Grandma passes, or if I ever lost a close friend. I don't know if I could handle the hurt.

For now I am thankful to have an appointment with my therapist tonight. I'm going to discuss this all with her to see what she thinks. I'm sure she'll have some ideas for me on how to cope. In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the pictures we took this past weekend and am smiling at the memories with friends whom I love dearly.

4 years ago he changed my life forever

I'll never forget the moment I became a mom. 

Even though I was manic beyond belief by the time I finally got to hold him for the first time and for the entire four weeks following his birth, I still somehow knew how incredibly different my life was going to be now that he had arrived.

He made me want to be a better person. He gave my life purpose. He made us a family. He made my heart explode with love every time I held him to my chest.

Little Man, your Mama loves you more than anything in the whole world.

Over these past four years you have become such an inquisitive fire-cracker of a preschooler who challenges me to the core each and every day.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Your laugh makes me smile and within seconds I am laughing right along with you.

Your energy keeps me motivated to run along with you.

Your eyelashes make me so incredibly jealous.

I love the way you protect and love on your baby sister.

I get goosebumps when I see how happy you are when you're in the water. You are such a fish.

You are so passionate about fire trucks and fire fighters that I wouldn't be surprised at all if you become one someday.

Having you in my life is one of the most magical miracles I have ever experienced.

Singing you Twinkle, Twinkle every night these past four years is my favorite way to end the day.

In one hour you turn four.

Happy 4th Birthday, Little Man. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mommy

xoxo

An honest letter to my babies {2}

Dear Mister Man and Sweet Pea,

The past few weeks have been filled with a bunch of new changes. With the change of seasons comes changes in schedules, and it always stresses me out even though it really shouldn't.

Last week was really rough. First off, you both had croup so it made for an extremely long week of lots of tears, moping around and general whining about not feeling good and being stuck in the house. It wore me out to the core. So much so, that I practically forgot your Grandma's birthday.

Luckily for you, Mister Man, although you had to skip your "Meet the Teachers" day at school, you were well enough to start school on time and last Friday was your first day. You ROCKED it. And I was very impressed with myself for not crying.

You made me so proud when your sister and I walked you into your new classroom and you gave me a quick hug goodbye, walked right up to your new teacher, smiled and jumped right into your day with your classmates. It went so smoothly.

When we picked you up later in the afternoon and I asked you to tell me all about your day on the way home, you got annoyed easily with me because I was asking for too many details. Whenever you get that scrunched up tight-lipped smile and cross your arms, I know you're overtired. I was worried about it because you do still nap sometimes, but the afternoon program was the only spot that we were offered since it is such a popular, well-regarded program in our area.

I've been having some mommy-guilt. I feel like I've been missing out on things lately because I'm trying to juggle this part-time job and also be totally present with you two. There were times last week when I would need to put in an hour or two in the morning and Sweet Pea you would come toddling over to me with a sad smile because you knew I couldn't play at that moment. You'd tug at my hand as if the weight of your little body could pull me out of my chair and into the family room where you had some blocks sitting in a pile ready to build a tower.

It was breaking my heart. I wanted so badly in that moment to just ignore my work emails that were waiting in my inbox to be answered so that I could take your hand and walk over and build tower after tower until we went on to the next toy or book or puzzle. Sometimes I am torn up inside because your brother had that from me and you aren't getting that undivided attention from your mommy because I have to split my time between work, your brother, housework, errands, and your daddy who I feel as if I don't get enough time with either.

But I need to stop thinking like the pessimest that I am and start thinking about the many blessings that we have.

We live in a beautiful house, eat nutritious food every day, have wonderful friends and family around us, and I get to see you both throughout the day, every day.

I love that you said you missed me today, Mister Man, when we were driving in the car. You said you missed me when you were at preschool the other day. I missed you too, bud. But the best thing about being a stay-at-home-mom with a part-time, work-from-home-job is that I get to pick you up from school every. single. day.

And I wouldn't trade that for the world. I'm going to make the most of the hours and minutes we do have together, when I'm not putting in the work hours.

Sweet Pea, you are amazing me more and more these days. You are constantly wanting to do exactly what your big brother is doing, whether that be climbing the big ladder at the playground or climbing the bar stool in our kitchen to have breakfast in the morning. And when I decided three days ago to add a Mom's Morning Out for you and your brother on Mondays and Wednesdays to your busy schedules, you didn't blink an eye. I dropped you both off and I barely got a hug and kiss goodbye before you ran into the room to meet your new teacher and friends. You started playing immediately and I headed home to work for three hours, uninterrupted.

Uninterrupted, if you don't count the couple of times that I stopped what I was doing to wonder exactly what you two were doing at that moment. Were you coloring or playing dress-up? Maybe play-doh or enjoying snack time with your new friends?

Again, I was so proud when I picked you two up and your teachers said you did so well and they loved having you in class.

I know I'm packing your schedule with Mom's Morning Out, preschool in the afternoon, and a swim class for each of you, and I sometimes worry that it's too much. We'll see how September goes and will make changes in October if we need to. But I know in my heart that you love all the activity. You both are so social and outgoing and it makes me so incredibly happy to see you making friends and playing and learning every day.

Your little hearts are so open to new things, meeting new people and learning about the world.

Stay that way always, my loves.

The seasons are changing, and there are so many good times ahead.

All my love and hugs,

Mommy

xoxoxo

Balance and lack there of

Wow. What a week it's been. Lately I find myself wondering: why it is so hard to balance the various curveballs and uppercuts life throws at us? Why can't I just magically make everything WORK? Speaking of work. That is something I did very little of this week. But I'll get to that.

Little man came down with a fever on Monday morning which landed us in Urgent Care that evening at 9:30pm when he could barely catch his breath. He slept okay after a nebulizer treatment and some Children's Motrin, but by the next afternoon he sounded like Darth Vader so we ran over to the pediatrician to find out he had croup, which I had suspected by that point. The doc put him on an oral steroid to keep his airway from swelling shut.

It worked really well. By Wednesday morning he was much better, but Baby girl had contracted his lovely virus. Luckily (I thought at the time) her airway sounded fine and I thought she'd escape with just a cold.

Yeah. Not so much.

She had a fever off and on all day yesterday and her breathing started sounding worse and worse. Last night I had my husband stop at Target on his way home from work to buy a new humidifier and she slept fine with it running to steam up her small room. But I knew right when I picked her up this morning that she needed that same med that the doc gave her brother. I didn't even bother to take a shower. Instead I threw on clothes, brushed my teeth and asked my husband to stay home with our son while I rushed her over to the pediatrician (so thankful to live within 3 minutes driving distance from the office and for their established patient walk-in sick hours from 7:30-8:30am).

There was a line 8 patients long by the time I arrived at the office at 7:30. A kind mother in front of us who heard my daughter's Darth Vader breathing let us go ahead of her and her son.

We didn't have to wait long at all, which was such a blessing. And all the excess activity in the waiting room actually distracted baby girl, so that was helpful.

The P.A. took a quick look at her and put her on the same med just in a liquid form. They even gave her the first dose (along with a dose of Children's Motrin) in the office to get her feeling better ASAP.

We headed home to give her breakfast. Hubby left for work. Little Man was still in jammies. At least he was eating, that was a start.

I gave her a breathing treatment after she ate while the kids watched an episode of Super Why. Then it was upstairs for mommy to have a quick shower before we rushed out the door again.

We had to drop off her prescription at the pharmacy and luckily there was a Starbucks in the strip mall because my head was about to start throbbing from my lack of my usual 2 cups. Then we hit the barber so that Little Man could get a haircut before his big first day of preschool.

After that we had plenty of time to make it to my eye doctor appointment across town. The kids were amazingly well-behaved while we waited the extra 15 minutes before the doctor was ready to see me to check if the trial lenses she had set me up with were working (they weren't). She said she'd order me a new pair to try and sent us on our way.

Back home we ate lunch and got Little Man ready for school. Baby Girl was jealous of his new backpack, so I found his old butterfly backpack which satisfied her for a little while when I told her she could pick out some toys to stuff in it. We got his snack together to take to school and took some pictures (okay, a lot of pictures) at the front door before hitting the road for what felt like the tenth time today. At this point, Baby Girl is starting to tear up at the mere sight of the car.

Drop off at his new preschool went so well! The only thing that is tough about it is the timing - he starts school at 12:45, which is usually the time his sister is napping. So I'm hoping over the next couple of weeks she'll get used to napping later. For now, she fell asleep on the way to school, woke up when we had to get out and walk him to his classroom, and was up on the drive home. I prayed she would go back to sleep in her crib once we got home. Little Man was so excited and jumped right into meeting his teachers and new friends. It was really cute.

Now if I could have just let her sleep until I had to pick him up, it wouldn't have been that bad. But, of course that's not what happened today. She was asleep in her crib from 1pm while I worked, until I realized I had my psychiatrist appointment at 2pm (thankfully, she's in the same building at the pedi) so I let her sleep until the very last minute I could and we made it to the appointment on time.

All the running around today was not very conducive to Baby Girl resting to kick this damn croup.

We were back home from 2:45pm (when I gave her a dose of Children's Tylenol because she was so uncomfortable) until we had to leave to pick up her brother at 3:30. Thank heavens for carline pickup!! Seriously, it's so convenient. Five cars line up at a time, the teachers walk those 5 kids (radioed from the Directors whose parents were there to get them) to their parent's cars. Baby Girl got to snooze on. Little Man had such a fun day, but got annoyed with me that I kept asking him to tell me more. He gets such an attitude sometimes when he skips his nap, but we could only get PM preschool, so he'll have to just make up for those M/W/F naps on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I treated the kids to McDonald's strawberry milkshakes for the rough day we had.

The worst part about this crazy, hectic, so-over-my-kids-being-sick-and-cranky day? I completely forgot to call my mom and wish her a happy birthday.

I suck.

My phone rang at 6:58pm and when it was my Dad on the caller ID I didn't even think of it then. Not until I answered and heard my mom's voice instead.

"Hi honey! How was your day? Little Man feeling better?" she asked, cheerily.

"Okay. Yeah, he's better, but I was at the pedia-OH MY GOSH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I AM SOOOO SORRY, MOM!!!"

My heart sank. I wanted to cry, but instead spewed off all the things we did today only to feel even worse that I was making excuses for why I almost forgot.

Oh, and her card is also running a day late. Daughter-of-the-year over here.

I'm so sorry Mom. Please know that I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all.

I know that things will never be perfectly aligned, that there will always be kids that get sick, work hours to put in, a house to clean, etc, etc. I just hope that I don't ever potentially  forget another birthday in the future. (I like to think that I would have realized my mistake tonight after the kids were in bed, so let's just give me the benefit of the doubt to make me feel a smidge better, okay?)

I love you to pieces and can't wait for our beach trip in November where you'll have a luxurious, relaxing facial at the spa to enjoy as your birthday gift from me. Thank you for being my mom. You mean the world to me.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

xoxo

An honest letter to my babies

July 12, 2012

To my dear Mister Man and Sweet Pea,

Been thinking about writing a letter like this to you two for awhile now. Given the fact that you both conked out early tonight and I got my workout finished before 9pm, now is as good a time as ever.

These past four years with the two of you in our life, have been the best (and most challenging) years your Daddy and I have ever experienced, and they have not passed without some majorly scary ups and downs. When I say "ups", I really mean manic. My "downs" were before you both were born.

You see, your mommy has Bipolar Disorder.

It's something I probably won't explain to you until you are much older. You don't see me take my medication every day, but you have been with me to see my psychiatrist. You both just love the toys she has there at her office, and now when I tell you that "Mommy has to go to the doctor," you always ask if you can play with the toys at the office. Last time I had to go "to the doctor" I was referring to my gynecologist and she only had a plastic uterus to play with which wasn't as fun, was it?

Right now my illness is mainly hidden from you, but there are times its characteristics creep out of me in the ways I sometimes respond to your behaviors. There are times when I may yell a little too loud, or in a nasty way complete with a scowl on my face. Maybe it's just part of being a little worn out from the whole Stay-At-Home-Mom thing, but I believe that my occasional outbursts have something to do with my condition. My patience is so thin you could poke a hole in it with a feather. Not all the times, but sometimes. Especially when it's the week before my period. Not fun. Not fun for anyone in this household.

Your Daddy and I have worked so hard together to manage this thing though. We're beating it, he and I. We're doing it together. He, by tolerating my moods and by hugging and holding me when I need the extra love and feeling of security only his arms can provide. And me, by taking my meds, seeing my doctor and therapist, and eating right and exercising.

Whenever I do have a moment where I lash out and am unkind to either of you, I immediately feel full of regret and wish I could go back 10 minutes in time to re-do what happened again so that I could handle the situation differently, more lovingly. But I guess that's kindof what parenting is all about; learning from our mistakes and doing things better next time.

I try to make up for any mean/sad/bigfatwettearsrollingdownthecheeks situations by smothering you with hugs and kisses after we've resolved whatever we were arguing about. In fact, I read an article recently online that said that kids need 12 hugs a day and I have started to work hard to exceed that with each of you. I feel so complete when I have your arms wrapped around me, and the funny thing about it is that when I ask one of you for a hug, the other usually immediately runs over and joins in and we have a group hug going on which is so special to me. Love, love, LOVE those moments. I crave more of them every day that goes by.

I love my time at home with you two and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'm feeling nervous about going back to work next week, even though it is from home and it's only part-time, because it's going to take away from precious hours I spend with my loves. Mister Man, I may not get to sneak into your room at the end of naptime, when I see that you're just starting to stir on the monitor, to curl up with you and snuggle and take long whiffs of your hair and neck. Sweet Pea, I may not get to sing you "Twinkle, Twinkle" before naptime, and rock you until your sleepy eyelids start to drift closed. I'm hoping that by working my part-time hours right smack in the middle of the day that the only thing I'm going to be missing is naptime, but the more I think about it, the sadder I get because even when you don't sleep, Little Man, I still enjoy the quiet time we have together while your sister is snoozing. Even if I seem frustrated that you're awake because I'm not able to get my housework done. I secretly don't mind.

There is so much more I want to say about how I'm living with this illness every day and how I'll explain it all to you in the future, but this first installment of my letters to you both is just the beginning, just what is on my mind at this moment in time. How you both have made our family so much richer even in the midst of learning to cope with something as complicated and intense and draining as a mental illness. I am so incredibly thankful that your Daddy and I took the leap we did back in the fall of 2007 to start our family. I couldn't imagine us any other way now.

I love you both to the moon and back, and am loving watching you grow up more and more every day.

Try to slow down a little because it seems like it's going by just a smidge too fast. 'Kay?

Keep loving me back, even if we may have our tough days. The days when we yell at each other. The days when there may be tears. Because the good days far, far outweigh the bad ones. And they always will.

All my love and kisses,

Mommy

xoxoxo

I love the beach

Greetings from Ocean City, MD! We're enjoying an incredible long weekend with our friends in a sweet "overly-beachy" decorated condo on the beachside where we are soaking in as much sun and sand as possible with a preschooler, two toddlers and an infant in tow.

This morning my husband was kind enough to take over kid-duty beginning at 6:15am while I laced up my sneaks for a 45-minute walk/jog on the almost-deserted beach. My knee is killing me, but I pushed through the pain {probably doing more harm than good, but my ipod had such a fun mix on it that I didn't want to walk} and felt like I got a nice workout in taking the place of P90x since we're on vacation.

We each brought a dinner to share for a night so we could eat in for two nights and save money, while enjoying one night out on the town which we did tonight. Even though we had to wait an hour for a table in the air-conditioned dining room, it was worth it since the food was so good. For our meals in, I made a vegetarian lasagna with zucchini fresh from the farm, and a seasoned tofu and quinoa mixture for the cheese, which came out pretty well if I don't say so myself. Our friends brought fresh mahi mahi to batter and fry up tomorrow night and we're planning on making it early so that we can take the kids to the boardwalk in the evening and be home before they tucker out completely and melt down. Breakfast was split too; yesterday we made 7-grain pancakes and fruit for everyone and tomorrow our friends have an egg casserole on tap. Let's just say we haven't gone hungry this weekend. I'll definitely need to put in some extra workouts next week to help burn it all off.

Tomorrow is our last full day here and I'm already sad that it's winding down. Although I will say it's been like a little preview of our upcoming week in North Carolina with my mom's side of the family in August, and it's making me that much more excited for the trip despite the long drive we have in store for us. It's going to be the first time that we've done a huge family beach trip and as sad as it is that I only really see some of my cousins at weddings and funerals since we almost all have families now and it's so hard to travel, I have a feeling it will be the beginning of an annual tradition. That is, if we all survive the week together.

Sun, sand, a gorgeous mansion of a beach house with a deck pathway leading to the water for a solid week - it is going to be unreal. Especially because of the fact that all the grandparents are coming along so we'll have built-in babysitters whenever we need them. All the adult cousins and their kids are in one house and our parents and my grandma are in another house down the street. I can't even remember the last time I spent an entire week at the beach. It must have been when I was about 14 years old. The only reason we were able to afford this vacation was by planning it an entire year in advance. And we paid in a couple of installments which made it easier to manage.

Again, another reason the call from my old boss about returning to work part-time was a such a blessing. It is allowing us to take nice vacations like this weekend, our trip in August, and our upcoming trip in October for my highschool friend's wedding in California {just me and the hubby}.

For now, I'm just trying to take it all in and enjoy every single moment. The sand on my skin, the little bit of sunburn on my chest from swimming too long in the water today, and the smell of the ocean off our balcony. So grateful to be here in this moment.

Where I go from here

A couple of things happened this week that have made me think about this blog. First off, my laptop died. I had put it in sleep mode before I left the house to go get my hair done on Tuesday evening, and when I got home a few hours later and went to turn it on, nothing happened. It went to sleep and just never woke up. Talk about a good way to go.

There are some things on the hard drive that I'm going to try to recover, but pretty much everything is gone. Luckily, most of our family photos are backed up on our external hard drive. But I had filled that up about 6 months ago and we have yet to buy a new one, so some pictures and videos are lost. I won't really know what all is gone until I need something and realize it was on the old laptop. Oh well, it's a tough lesson in backing up your files, I guess.

I had just begun looking into buying a new laptop when I started wondering how we'd afford a new one since it's not really in the budget for a one-family income. Then yesterday, my old boss called and asked if I'd be interested in doing some work from home. $$$ Cha-ching!!! $$$

For 6 months. $$$$$$ CHA-CHING!!! $$$$$$

Yes, please.

Now the only thing I needed to figure out was how I'd do the work with the kids around. She wanted me to think about it and get back to her tomorrow with an idea of how many hours a week I could put in, and when I'd most likely be logging those hours. I started to think about how I could find reliable, low-cost childcare so that I could put in 2-3 hours a day of work and still rake in a decent hourly rate.  I immediately thought of my friend's babysitter she uses a few hours each week and called her up to see if I could hire the highschooler too. She doesn't see why it won't work out. Their family is actually going on vacation for a few weeks so they won't be able to keep her busy all summer, so this might just be the perfect situation for everyone. I'll find out on Sunday if she's interested since she's on vacation this week with her family. If she's up for the job, it could work out perfectly since her rate is right in line with what I wanted to pay and I know she's qualified since she's done a great job watching my friend's kids who are the same ages as mine.

If the babysitter works out, this will help me with the issue of when to do the work because ideally I'd like to be able to do an activity with the kids in the morning or early evening, and get my work in around the lunch hour. That way, I'll still be able to enjoy my summer with the kids, while not feeling like I'm missing out on much with them since my daughter will nap part of the time I'm working.

It's all coming together a little too perfectly. I've got my fingers crossed that the babysitter is interested and available, and that my old boss will pay me what I'm going to ask for.

I'd like to try to keep my evenings free because that is when my husband and I have been doing P90x. We've been getting the kids to bed by 8/8:30pm and then putting in an hour {sometimes an hour & 1/2} of exercise for the past 9 days. It's an intense commitment, but we're both on board and are hoping to see some incredible results by the time we're done. Nine days down, only eighty-one to go.

With all that has been going on, I'm wondering how I am going to continue blogging as much as I used to. I also keep a family blog, which I haven't been able to update nearly as much as the grandparents would like lately. I feel like something has to give right now, and with work {hopefully} starting soon, it's going to have to be this blog.

I've decided I'm going to stop doing link-ups for the time being, as much as I love them and it makes me sad to drop them right now, solely because they take me so much longer than jumping into my dashboard and writing a stream of consciousness. Instead, I'm going to use this space to journal what has been going on with my health and my life and my feelings because that is what's going to work right now.

I created this blog as a place for me to write about my feelings, struggles, and triumphs as a wife and mom raising two small kids. A wife and mother who just happens to be Bipolar Type I. This blog was also developed to serve as a springboard to hopefully publish my memoir someday. I still want to accomplish that goal. I am a young woman living with a mental illness, but I do not feel limited by my diagnosis. I lead a very full, happy, creative, successful life and I want my story to be out there to give hope to other young women who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I believe I'm here for a reason. I hope my readers will continue to follow and check in on my blog here because I will continue to be a positive voice in the face of such a misunderstood and stigmatized condition.

Because my diagnosis doesn't define me. It's just a part of me that I have learned to live with.

The people and experiences of my life are what make me who I am.

And the journey will go on.

Brilliantly. Because that's how I roll.

Bad day

You stand in the line just to hit a new lowYou're faking a smile with the coffee to go They tell me your life's been way off line You're falling to pieces every time And I don't need no carryin' on
~ Daniel Powter, lyrics to Bad Day {2005}

This song conjures up all kinds of emotions for me. It debuted in the US in early 2006, right around the time when I had returned to work after my first two hospitalizations. I was fragile. I was sick. The level of anxiety which pulsed through my blood was so high I could barely keep my hands from shaking at times. I had been having many bad days, not just "a" bad day. And this song would come on over the radio on my commute home from the office almost every evening.

The tears would start to flow and it was so hard to get them to stop.

I knew what I had to do, although it broke me to pieces to have to do it.

Resigning from a career I had worked so hard for, I had poured so many hours of my life into, was one of the most difficult {and yet, at the same time, simple} turning points in my life. Only I didn't know it was a turning point at the time.

It felt like I was digging myself a grave to crawl into. Like I would never be ever to build myself up to the high point I had reached in my industry.

I had lost every ounce of confidence that used to flow so easily from my voice, my mannerisms, my personality. Much of 2006 was consumed with crying spells, crippling anxiety, and self-doubt that I would ever be able to return to my former identity.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg?rel=0]

When that song comes on the radio these days, I think back on the low moments of my past when I was first diagnosed and realize that I've come a long way.

Man, have I come a long way.

I've learned that there are times in our lives which are going to be uncomfortable, dismal, and scary. We just need to stay positive as much as possible, lean on friends and family for support, and know that there is sunshine after the storm.

Goals and a look back at an old list for Five Things Friday

This Friday I thought I'd do a little blast from the past.

I've been thinking a lot about goals lately. Back when I was a senior in college, we had to write a list of five goals we wanted to accomplish in the next 10 years. I can almost picture that piece of paper in my mind. Part of me thinks that if I really look hard enough {read: dig through all my piles of junk and clutter} I'd be able to find it. Because I'm pretty sure I saved it.

We were told that by physically writing your goals down on paper you were much more likely to actually attain them compared to simply thinking or talking about them. Something about the act of putting it in writing that makes it seem more real, I guess.

I can remember four of the five things on my senior year list of goals.

  1. Get married
  2. Buy a house
  3. Have kids
  4. Make $100k in one year
  5. ?

I actually accomplished all of those things in the first five years out of college. But for the life of me, I cannot remember the fifth thing.

It still bugs me.

In the corporate world, I always had goals. It didn't matter whether I had a strict, micro-managing boss, or a laid-back superior who could care less what my numbers looked like. Because to me, I had goals in front of me for the week ahead, for the month, and for the year. If I didn't, my work tended to be just mediocre. By laying out the objectives I wanted to reach or exceed, I pushed myself harder and did higher quality work. My reputation was so important to me. I was always worried about what people thought of me and how they viewed me as a recruiter that I almost needed to better myself with each placement to keep up. It was exhausting. But looking back, I'm very proud of what I accomplished in the ten years I worked.

Now I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a homemaker. I don't care so much what other people think of me, but I do care about feeling that I'm successful in my new career of SAHM. I haven't set goals for myself in over two years. Unless you count the 35-pound weight-loss goal I was determined to accomplish after the birth of my son. {I hit that one, in case you're wondering.}

I'm itching to write some new goals. Given that it's June 1, I thought it was a good date to lay out some monthly goals for the rest of the year. I think I'll stick to three goals for each month, so as not to overwhelm myself.

June
1 Volunteer at a nursing home
2 Start and finish the gardening work around the house (weed all flower beds, lay fresh mulch, hang flower baskets from porch)
3 Run four days a week
 
July
1 Clean and organize garage
2 Carve our initials into the humongous tree that lives beside our house
3 Do a 3-day juice fast
 
August
1 Take a photography class
2 Cook vegan/vegetarian the entire month
3 Repaint the kitchen a bold color 
 
September
1 Create Preschool boxes for each of my kids to collect their artwork and projects
2 Plan a fall {October} wine tour with friends
3 Do a 10-day juice fast
 
October
1 Go on a family camping trip
2 Go to church every week and become more involved by joining a group
3 Finish my manuscript
 
November
1 Be a "Room Mom" for a day at my son's preschool
2 Work hard on my abs and keep them in shape through the holidays
3 Finish holiday shopping and start a new rule that each child gets 3 gifts and each adult gets 1 gift from Santa in order to simplify things and celebrate the true meaning of Christmas
 
December
1 Throw a really awesome holiday party & make it a tradition
2 Format my manuscript into a blog book including my own photography
3 Sponsor a local family for the holidays
 

I'm hoping to hold myself accountable to these goals to be able to look back on the second half of this year and see all that I've accomplished. I think it would be incredibly satisfying to say that I was able to do what I set out to do. Not just for me, but for my family, too.

I'm excited about this. I feel a new energy that I haven't felt in awhile. It's time to rock this list. Let's go.

What do you think? Have you written out any goals since becoming a mom? What do you want to have accomplished by the end of 2012?

 

 

Just Write: Making memories

Why is it that whenever we're on a family trip, I neglect to take the pictures I so desperately want to see when I get home and download my camera's memory card to my computer? The past six days we spent visiting the two sides of my husband's family. Despite the heaviness of fatigue that was pulling at my shoulders and making me ache to be in my bed sleeping off the travel, once the kids were in bed I rushed to my computer to dump my camera's contents out so that I could see what I had collected.

My heart sank when I realized that I forgot to get a picture of my father-in-law and his brother with his mom. I missed the chance to get a picture of my husband with his grandma. I barely got any photos of my mother-in-law with her grandkids. And there weren't any pictures of my husband's aunt or his cousins and their kids.

Being the pessimist I am {yet wish I could say the opposite} who always tends to look at the glass half empty, I couldn't help but wonder if that might have been our last visit with his grandma. It may have been our last chance to take pictures with her. Our last chance to see her sweet smile and hear her soft voice tell us stories about when she was a girl.

I'll never know, but I will hold tightly onto the memories of the time we spent together this past week. I will try to think less about the pictures we forgot to take and more about the time we spent together making memories that will last in our minds as long as we can hold onto them.

Could that be me someday?

As I sat in the audience this afternoon and listened intently to the fourteen mothers on stage pour their hearts and souls out during their time at the mic, I couldn't help but wonder:

Could I actually do that? Could that be me someday?

My mother-in-law and I arrived early, and snagged great seats - front and center - to take it all in. As the theater filled up, the room began to buzz with excitement. I heard a song playing that I had suggested via Twitter to Stephanie, the show's Director, last week when she asked "What's your favorite song about motherhood or makes you think about your babies?" Instantly, I thought of the video montages I've made on each of the kids' birthdays and tweeted back, "Let Them Be Little by Billy Dean, Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney, and It Won't Be This Way for Long by Darius Rucker," which were three of my favorites that I had used as background music for those videos of my precious babies.

A few more songs played, and I took another look around to see that practically every seat was taken. Finally, the show was about to start.

Minutes later, as the first presenter spoke, you could feel the emotion in the air. Everyone was focused on the stage and the woman who, at that moment, commanded the microphone. The roar of applause as each speaker finished was the audience's way of thanking each woman for sharing so much of her life with us. For telling us what was inside of her heart.  Not just anyone could get up on stage in front of several hundred people to talk about her family, her kids, her struggles through motherhood.

There were stories that we could all relate to, ones of sleepless babies, sibling tae kwon do classes and family dinner hour gone awry no matter how hard you try. Tales of how hard it is for one mama to drop her preschooler off at school, of how another mom is trying to teach her children that calling someone {or even something} "stupid" is not nice, it hurts feelings, and of how it just may be okay to take your 8-yr old to Hooters for his birthday if he's that persistent about it.

And then there were more unique stories of a child with Autism and his passion for trying his hardest to keep pace with his peers in third grade, of battling and beating cancer to become a stronger person than she'd ever imagined, two separate accounts of miscarriage and how the women were able to mourn their losses and eventually conceive again, giving birth and becoming the mothers they so desperately wanted to be, and a heart-wrenching outpouring of a mother's deep longing, from during her childhood, to just be normal. But then how in the world does a young mother who just lost her 12-yr old son in a tragic accident find normal in the midst of heavy grief?

Each of these stories had the audience captivated during and proud at the end. We laughed out loud, we cried, we nodded in agreement to so many points in the stories we heard.

But how would the audience react to a mother telling her story about how she fought mental illness and won? How, at 26 years old, newly married and climbing the ranks of a successful recruiting career, this young woman crumbled because of a manic breakdown. And when she started picking the pieces up months later, how she faced the reality of countless psychiatrist and therapist appointments trying to figure out just what was wrong with her and how the medication she was on made her so scared she would never be able to have kids that she sunk into the lowest point in her life, a depression that lasted a full year.

I think it would be a gripping story. Especially since I know how it turned out in the end.

But could I actually get up there and tell it to a live audience? That we'll have to wait and see, my friends.

My hope is that with another year of writing under my belt, I'll be that much more confident in my voice and my story.

Because I think it's an important one to tell.

Someday.

The most important words

{Words} I am the type of person that needs to hear certain words at times in my life. If I don't, I feel lonely and sad. If I do, I am able to persevere, no matter how difficult the challenge I am faced with.

{I am sorry}

{I support you}

{It's going to be okay}

{I missed you}

{Money is not important}

{We can get through this}

{I am here for you, no matter what}

{I love you}

To me, those last three words are the most important, by far. They can substitute, in a pinch, for all the others, and they make those other phrases even more warm and fuzzy when said together.

But for me, if I never heard any other words in my life but "I love you", I'd get along just fine.

I make it a point to say it to my husband and kids throughout the day because it makes everyone feel good. To know you are loved has got to be one of the best feelings in the world. I know it is for me.

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