Thoughts for a friend getting help

I "met" Kim of Make Mommy Go Something Something online in the months following the launch of my blog. She had several years of experience under her belt, so I reached out to her for help and she responded immediately. We began chatting over email and even talked via Facetime a few times. Kim, like me, also has bipolar disorder. But hers is Bipolar II while mine is Bipolar I, meaning her moods tend to swing to the lower end of the spectrum and mine are the opposite - I tend to have higher mood swings to the extent of becoming manic if I do not get enough sleep. We connected right away, both being young moms who enjoyed blogging about the struggles we faced with our condition, our kids, and our home life. Kim is such a cool person. So funny, smart and kind. I started joining in on her Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturdays series, a fun link-up party on her blog that she created. With this part-time job (that I should be putting hours into right now, but I'm blogging instead - much more imortant right now than work, imo), I've lost touch with my friend. And I miss her.

She's going through a lot right now. I know exactly what she's going through and it's gut-wrenching.

Reading that she recently entered the hospital to get help for the deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety she's been battling of late takes me back to my last two hospitalizations. My heart breaks for her, but at the same time, I'm so incredibly proud of her for seeking the help that she knows in her own heart that she needs to get well. To be there for her husband and son. To feel human again.

I was there too. Those times were the lowest lows of my life. I missed out on almost two full week's of my son's life because I was so sick I needed medical intervention to bring me back to reality. And although I may not have wanted to go at the time, being forced into going to the hospital was just what I needed to re-start my life.

I got do-overs. I learned how to take care of myself so that I hopefully won't have to go back to the hospital again. But, in the end, if I do have to go back at some point, I know from experience that it's not the end of the world. It's so that I can get well. And getting well and staying well are the most important things when you're living with a mental illness.

Kim will get there. She's getting her do-over right now. And I know in time she'll be well because she's doing what she needs to do, however hard it might be right now.

She inspires me. Not only her writing, but her personality and her sheer determination. She's a true warrior.

Get well, my friend. Miss you and thinking of you every day. Sending love and hugs via the interwebs.

xoxo

Life and the sweetest moments in photos

My husband and I just got back from a five-day trip to sunny California to see one of my childhood friends get married. My mom and dad agreed to stay with the kids so we could have a nice, relaxing trip. A chance to recharge our batteries, so to speak.

It was so incredible. Being able to do what we wanted and not have to worry about the kids was so nice. It took me back to our first five years of marriage. Plus, we got to hang out with my best friends at the same time as a bonus. The weather was amazing - bright sunshine and perfectly warm days followed by crisp evenings with a slight nip in the air.

I thought about the kids, don't get me wrong. My parents texted pictures of the kids so we wouldn't miss them too much. But the moment I saw my mom's number pop up on my phone as we were sitting out by the pool having cocktails before dinner the second night, I knew something was wrong. They had to bring her in to Urgent Care because when my mom was lifting her out of the bathtub, the little princess felt she needed to exert her authority by sitting down as my mom was pulling her up by her hands. My immediate thought was that her shoulder popped out of the socket. But the doctor determined it was her elbow and after reviewing the x-rays, the little lady turned out to be just fine.

Her mom on the other hand, was a little shook up. But I knew she was in good hands with her Grandma and Poppy. After finding out everything was fine and her arm was doing much better the next day, I was able to relax for the remainder of the trip and enjoy the time with my friends and hubby. We did sightseeing in Los Angeles (saw Rodeo Drive!), went out to eat at some trendy restaurants, and witnessed our friends tie the knot on a gorgeous ranch property overlooking Malibu beach. Dinner and dancing followed and we took tons of photos, so as to capture the perfection of the day in frames that we could cherish forever.

On the flight home I started to feel melancholy. I love the times I have with my friends, but I get so choked up when I sit down and think about how little time I actually get to spend with them each year. We all have families and careers and other responsibilities that seem to fill up our calendars so that when we do all eventually get together, we usually start planning our next get-together. One of my friends coined it our own special "bucket list" of things we want to do together. On the list so far is a camping trip, a sailing trip, and the wedding of the last of the six of us to get married.

Then I get home late Sunday night and the next morning I start feeling anxious and teary. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why, other than I had read an excerpt from a book of a woman who had lost her husband in the 9/11 attacks and it made me so scared and sad. I've always been afraid of death, afraid of whether I've done enough in my life before I die. It didn't help that my mom joked that she doesn't think she'll be around for her granddaughter's wedding (she'd be in her 80's).

I'm even more scared of losing someone I love, than I am of actually dying myself. The only people who I've lost who I was close to were my dad's two college friends and I didn't have day-to-day contact with them, just lots of memories from growing up. I worry about what will happen to me when my Grandma passes, or if I ever lost a close friend. I don't know if I could handle the hurt.

For now I am thankful to have an appointment with my therapist tonight. I'm going to discuss this all with her to see what she thinks. I'm sure she'll have some ideas for me on how to cope. In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the pictures we took this past weekend and am smiling at the memories with friends whom I love dearly.

I love the beach

Greetings from Ocean City, MD! We're enjoying an incredible long weekend with our friends in a sweet "overly-beachy" decorated condo on the beachside where we are soaking in as much sun and sand as possible with a preschooler, two toddlers and an infant in tow.

This morning my husband was kind enough to take over kid-duty beginning at 6:15am while I laced up my sneaks for a 45-minute walk/jog on the almost-deserted beach. My knee is killing me, but I pushed through the pain {probably doing more harm than good, but my ipod had such a fun mix on it that I didn't want to walk} and felt like I got a nice workout in taking the place of P90x since we're on vacation.

We each brought a dinner to share for a night so we could eat in for two nights and save money, while enjoying one night out on the town which we did tonight. Even though we had to wait an hour for a table in the air-conditioned dining room, it was worth it since the food was so good. For our meals in, I made a vegetarian lasagna with zucchini fresh from the farm, and a seasoned tofu and quinoa mixture for the cheese, which came out pretty well if I don't say so myself. Our friends brought fresh mahi mahi to batter and fry up tomorrow night and we're planning on making it early so that we can take the kids to the boardwalk in the evening and be home before they tucker out completely and melt down. Breakfast was split too; yesterday we made 7-grain pancakes and fruit for everyone and tomorrow our friends have an egg casserole on tap. Let's just say we haven't gone hungry this weekend. I'll definitely need to put in some extra workouts next week to help burn it all off.

Tomorrow is our last full day here and I'm already sad that it's winding down. Although I will say it's been like a little preview of our upcoming week in North Carolina with my mom's side of the family in August, and it's making me that much more excited for the trip despite the long drive we have in store for us. It's going to be the first time that we've done a huge family beach trip and as sad as it is that I only really see some of my cousins at weddings and funerals since we almost all have families now and it's so hard to travel, I have a feeling it will be the beginning of an annual tradition. That is, if we all survive the week together.

Sun, sand, a gorgeous mansion of a beach house with a deck pathway leading to the water for a solid week - it is going to be unreal. Especially because of the fact that all the grandparents are coming along so we'll have built-in babysitters whenever we need them. All the adult cousins and their kids are in one house and our parents and my grandma are in another house down the street. I can't even remember the last time I spent an entire week at the beach. It must have been when I was about 14 years old. The only reason we were able to afford this vacation was by planning it an entire year in advance. And we paid in a couple of installments which made it easier to manage.

Again, another reason the call from my old boss about returning to work part-time was a such a blessing. It is allowing us to take nice vacations like this weekend, our trip in August, and our upcoming trip in October for my highschool friend's wedding in California {just me and the hubby}.

For now, I'm just trying to take it all in and enjoy every single moment. The sand on my skin, the little bit of sunburn on my chest from swimming too long in the water today, and the smell of the ocean off our balcony. So grateful to be here in this moment.

On friendship

"A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside."

~ Winnie the Pooh

I remember a conversation I had with my mom about friendship back when I was in high school, probably about 16 years ago or more. I was describing to her how my relationship with one of my friends had changed, and how it made me sad.

She sympathized with me and explained that as the years go by, my friendships will evolve. Some people would remain in our lives forever, and we would grow closer and closer. And others would slowly fade away, leaving only the memories behind to savor.

Looking back now, I can understand exactly what she was trying to teach me.

I have several friends - people I have known for fifteen or more years - who I don't get a chance to see more than once a year if I'm lucky given the distance between us. The best man from our wedding and his wife are two of them. He had a work conference this week and so they came to visit and stay with us this past weekend so that we could catch up and visit with each other. We hadn't yet been able to meet each other's youngest, and our two older ones had only ever met once before that.

The beautiful thing about our friendship with them is that it's easy. We can come together after not having seen each other in a few years, and it's like we haven't skipped a beat.

Those are the absolute best friendships to have, in my opinion.

We talked and laughed and reminisced. Took hundreds of pictures and stayed up late playing board games. Our daughter was smitten with our friend and would walk over to him with her head back and arms lifted high up towards his head to be picked up. She doesn't do this to anyone other than me or my husband. We hung out on the deck and had drinks and dinner. We threw all four kids in the big tub and watched them splash around in the bubbles, smiles all around. We shared little stories about them, our favorite iphone/ipad apps, and had lots of quality playtime.

In short, it was the best weekend ever.

We're both celebrating ten years of marriage next year. The guys were each other's best man. To honor this milestone, they invited us to join them on a vacation sometime in the Spring of 2013. Adults-only. The kiddos will get some quality time with the grandparents. {get excited, grandparents} Oh yeah. We're in.

We're so in.

And although we may not get the chance to get together again before then, it won't make a difference. We'll pick back up right where we left off.

Because that's what great friends do.

"Friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories." - Dave Brenner