These past few months haven’t been easy. Following a lengthy manic episode in December, the crash that followed was inevitable. Lately I’ve been feeling really down, and have had trouble finding joy in the little things of life. I haven’t been able to write, probably because I’m putting too much pressure on myself to make progress on the next draft of my book. 

My psychiatrist wants me to try adding a new medicine, but I don’t think that another pill is the answer. At least not right now. I think what I’m dealing with is grief.

I’m an overly impatient person and I don’t think I’ve given myself enough time and space yet to process the last eight years of running This Is My Brave. I was moving at a fast pace, day in and day out and so sitting still feels foreign to me. Lately when anyone asks how I’m doing, or how the book is going, I have to bite my lip to keep the tears from flowing. My whole world revolved around the organization for nearly a decade and although it was a difficult decision, I was ready to close that chapter of my life and pursue a new challenge. What I didn’t fully expect was the grief that would follow.

I’m trying to remind myself daily that it’s okay to grieve the loss of a job and especially one that provided me with so many lasting friendships and memories. I may never have another role as fulfilling as my work with This Is My Brave and that is okay. It just hurts right now. I need to remember that grief has no timeline. I’ve come to realize that I have to let it travel through me and know I’ll make it to the other side as I have before.

The tears still come daily and I welcome them. I know it’s part of the process. I’m working on encouraging myself to do things - sometimes things as simple as laundry or taking a walk- to keep my mind occupied. It’s helping. And taking the time to write this blog post is proving to be therapeutic, so I want to do more when I can, without putting the pressure on myself to post on a schedule, just as the inspiration hits.

In working on getting to the other side of this grief I’m experiencing, there are hopeful moments. I am excited about putting myself out there as a mental health speaker. I’m a huge believer in the power of personal storytelling when it comes to ending the stigma surrounding mental illness and mental health, and I’m hoping to do more speaking in the near future. I’m super grateful to my documentary film team for creating this speaker reel for me. (Owen was about 10 in this video and his words get me every time.)

Thanks for reading and for continuing to follow my journey. And if you know of any organizations, conferences or meetings in need of a speaker, please give me a shout.