From my journal, 9/2/2021

I don’t know when a switch flipped in my brain that suddenly made everything seem so pointless. It scares me to think my kids could somehow experience this someday. I keep wondering what my future looks like after Brave and just a month ago I was excited about it, but lately I’m feeling so depressed.

I find myself trying to remember what makes me feel better when depression begins to latch on and I know exercise and eating healthy are good places to start, so I’m working on it. And yesterday I had a zoom call with Katie and shared how I was feeling. Talking and crying really helped. But I can’t always be leaning on my staff. Part of me feels like I need to take a break from This Is My Brave, but the other part of me is nervous about taking that break and not feeling fulfilled.

I keep seeing dragonflys. I wonder if it could be a sign.

***

October 18,2021

I had an encounter with a friendly dragonfly today. Towards the end of a long walk, I came to a pond surrounded by pine trees. I noticed several dragonflys buzzing about. One perched on the end of a branch. It sat on the needles and didn’t move as I approached. As if to greet the little guy, I held out my right index finger, offering another place to explore. He surprised me by hopping over to sit on the first knuckle of my finger.

His eyes were mesmerizing. The little insect didn’t fly off when I pulled my hand closer so I could get a better look. The pupils of his eyes were in constant motion, and appeared to be floating in puffy droplets of gooey water. His four wispy wings were iridescent and glowed with blue, purple and green. His tiny nose was a black dot and I don’t remember seeing any ears.

He looked at me with curiosity and no fear. We stood in that position - me holding him up near my face - for what felt like three minutes before I moved too much for his liking and he flew off. I lingered by the tree, hoping for another chance to admire a dragonfly up close, but my magical connection with the little bug wasn’t something that could be repeated. At least not that day.

***

Weeks later I googled what I means when you’re seeing dragonflys. Apparently, the dragonfly is a symbol of change, transformation and self-realization. It teaches us to love life, to rejoice and have faith even amidst difficulties. I think the gorgeous dragonfly is going to be my next tattoo, just don’t know when yet. :)